Embryo of Philosophy

Yesterday was such a good day. I went clothes shopping with my mom, which I normally really hate, but we found what we were looking for quickly. Then we watched movies, I lent her some books and gave her her birthday present early.

So it figures that today would be a bastion of misery and stress.

I am a fuck up. I am the biggest fuck up in the history of everything.

I have a presentation tomorrow. Not only did I forget about the presentation, I forgot to meet with my partner. So, she showed up at the library. I didn't.

I am such a piece of shit. This is why I hate group projects. I'm a relentless fuck up, but I'd rather not take other people down with me. I called her, and we worked it out, so it will be okay. But still, that fact that I messed up like that in the first place is unforgivable.

So, I didn't get my outline to the professor on time. No idea what that will do to my grade. It won't be pretty, that's for sure.

My life is a mess. A chaotic, ridiculous mess. And it's completely my fault. I cause almost all of my own problems by being an irresponsible, lazy, under-achieving, disorganized, screw up.

Oh, and the violent images that won't leave my head aren't helping. It's been a long time since I've hurt myself, but the urge is still my natural reaction to stress, especially the self-loathing kind. Trying to get through the day while unbidden images of stabbing yourself in the arm, driving a pen through your skull, and ripping out your own throat flash in your mind? Not fun.

I am one sick cookie.

( Senate Approves Broadened Hate-Crime Measure )



Now, there are a lot of fear-mongering myths out there about hate crimes legislation. Let's put those myths to rest.

( Preaching the Gospel Would be Against the Law! (And Other Hate Crimes Myths) )



Perhaps the most pervasive objection is that of the "thought crime." It shouldn't matter why you kill someone, just the crime itself. That's exactly right. That's why we always judge murder on the exact level. It doesn't matter if it was premeditated, accidental, or in self-defense. Everyone who kills someone else gets judged the exact same way.

Except that's not true.

If I'm ever arrested for murder, if anyone argues that it was premeditated I'm going to scream "thought crime". Why does it matter what was going through my head when I did it? My civil liberties are being violated!

And I'd like to say that hate crimes do terrorize an entire group of people. When I learned that Angie Zapata had been murdered not far from where I live, it scared me. When I hear that transgender people have a one in 12 chance of being murdered (the national average is about a one in 18,000 chance of being murdered), that scares me. When two Boulder citizens were gay bashed within days of each other, it scared me. ate crimes are bigger than the one person attacked. They send a message: if you are Black/gay/disabled/Jewish/whatever we will hurt you.

Of course, as mentioned in the last article, hate crime laws have been on the books since 1969. It's only now that they're being expanded to include GLBT people that there's an uproar. Hmm, I wonder why that might be?

There's just one more step before this becomes law, and Obama has previously said that he supports the bill.

Oh, and can I just congratulate the Democrats on actually using their brains to get this thing passed? And I thought they had forgotten how to do that!

I've been reading the reactions to Merlin 2x04 "Lancelot and Guinevere." Some squee, some criticism, which is normal and as it should be. But I thought I'd respond to some of the criticism that I don't find fair. I don't expect this to turn anyone into OMG GWEN/LANCE FOREVER!!, just to offer evidence that the relationship makes sense. (Well, as much as anything in this show makes sense.)

( Spoilers for 2x04, obviously )

Also, an unspoilery complaint: The smushed paring names must stop. First there was Merthur and Arwen, one of which sounds moronic, while the other is a Lord of the Rings character. That was bad enough, but now we have Gwencelot. It has to end, people. I can't take the madness.

Title: Consequences
Fandom: Merlin
Pairing: Merlin/Morgana
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Graphic sex; the most minor, inconsequential spoilers for 2x03
Length: ~850
A/N: Written for Vagina Fest: Round Two. I have a mountain of other things I need to write, but what can you do?

( 'You should have been honest with me,' she bites out. 'The second you knew, you should have told me.' )

So, I signed up for the Tarot Challenge over at femslash100. Here are are my first four.


Title: V: The Hierophant
Prompt: Number Five: The Hierophant
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Pairing: Utena/Anthy
Rating: G
Word count: 100
A/N: Possible meanings for The Hierophant include "marriage alliance" and "servitude."

( V: The Hierophant )


Title: XV: The Devil
Prompt: Number Fifteen: The Devil
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Pairing: Kozue/Juri
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 100
A/N: Possible meanings for The Devil include "lust," "hedonism" "passion," and "animal instincts." I'm rereading The Picture of Dorian Gray. Does it show?

( XV: The Devil )


Title: XX: Judgment
Prompt: Number Twenty: Judgment
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Pairing: Utena/Anthy
Rating: G
Word count: 100
A/N: Possible meanings for Judgment include "renewal" and "change of position." Vague spoilers for the end of series.

( XX: Judgment )


Title: IX: The Hermit
Prompt: Number Nine: The Hermit
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Pairing: Shiori/Juri
Rating: PG
Word count: 100
A/N: Possible meanings for The Hermit include "treason" and "corruption."

( IX: The Hermit )

My kitty is adorable! Yes, you need to know know this. She likes to sleep on the scratching post/cat furniture that my brother got me for me birthday. At first I was worried that she wouldn't get much use out of it, since she's declawed in the front, but she seems to get a kick out of pawing at it.

I also thought that she might not play with the catnip mice that I bought her, but she likes those two.

Besides, her scratching post, her favorite place to be is in my closet, lying on the blanket sat her litter box sits on. GO figure.

In other new anime_manga is having its second Prompt Battle! Whoo! Prompts are being accepted until Sunday, October 4th, so go request.

This week is Banned Books Week. I like to celebrate by reading banned book. This year's choice is The Great Gatsby. Yeah, it's a little embarrassing that I haven't read it before, but it's shocking and shameful what I have yet to read.

If you want to read a banned book to celebrate, it won't take much effort. One of the top ten challenged books for 2008 was And Tango Makes Three, a children's picture book about two male penguins at the New York City's Central Park Zoo who who hatched an egg together. I'm reluctant to use human words for non-human animals, but let's face it, they're gay penguins. You can imagine how well the book goes over with the religious right. So make a statement: read a picture book.

Go here for the ten top challenged titles, which includes His Dark Materials and Scary Stories. You can also go here for more information. It's absolutely ridiculous, some of the books that have been banned and challenged. Also, people who want to ban To Kill a Mockingbird based on racist language are really missing the point. One of the main points of the book is the evils of racism. How is supposed to do that without showing that racism? And people who want to ban Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry for the same reasons are missing the point even more. It's about a Black family in the 1930's who interact with white people. Should we sanitize history by removing hateful language and actions? What a good way to hide the fact that white people have been racist fuckheads throughout American history. Or should books about Black people that take place prior to 1980 or so just never be written? I really don't think that's the solution. (I suppose you could try and write a novel where the Black people never interact with white people, but I'm not sure how possible it would be. Plus, wow, there's a limitation.

Also, people who want to ban any book even mentioning LGBTQ people (or penguins) as "not age appropriate" make me want to kill things. But you could guess that.

Title: For Remembrance
Fandom: Merlin
Characters: Hunith, Merlin
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1200
Spoilers: 1x10
A/N: This was supposed to be my matrithon fic, but uh, that didn't work out. (Note to self: in the future, remember your damn prompt.)

( Hunith's mother once told her that memories were the province of the old... )

Things that are not fun:

School Curse you school, you are the very bane of my existence. Thank you to the people who gave me advice on bullshitting papers for class. I appreciate said advice very much, I assure you.

I have to stop taking seminars. They're interesting, but they are way too much freaking work.

It's cold! Normally, Colorado doesn't let the date determine its weather (70 degree Januaries and frigid late Aprils), but this time it got word that Fall was starting and got cold. I hate it! I can't manage to dress just right. I'm always too hot or too cold. It's supposed to warm up over the weekend though.

So, after much angst, I finished my fic for matrithon. Or so I thought. I thought my prompt was "Hunith: memories." It turns out that it's "Hunith: secrets." Yeah. You know, normally I'm obsessive about checking and rechecking my prompt to make sure I'm doing it right. The one time I don't, this happens.

Well, I still have a few days, and more fic is always good, right? Especially minor character fic.

Still, dagnabbit.

Something that is fun:

springkink is open for claiming. Lots of good prompts! Bleach, Count Cain, Saiyuki, Yami no Matsuei, Merlin, Revolutionary Girl Utena, all the stuff that my flist loves! I've claimed four prompts, which is over my usual self imposed limit of three, but I just couldn't help myself. I'm still tempted to nab a few more of those Riff/Cain prompts. Please do it so that I don't have to.

Now if you'll excuse me, I clearly have fic to write. (And on a deadline!)

So, when the professor says "6 pages as the very minimum" and you're not sure you'll make a full five, is that time to worry? Because, yeah, I think it might be. Also, the time I have to finish it is rapidly slipping away, largely because I'm avoiding it because it won't be long enough.

I hate theory classes.

So, it was my birthday a week ago. (I never post about my birthday on my birthday. I'm that much of procrastinator.) I got the third season of Doctor Who (finally). Martha is awesome, and I love her. Also, I can't decide whether the final episode was really awesome or really stupid.

But that's not important. What important is that I have a kitty! This is the most wonderful thing ever. Her name is Mazzie.

( Picture of my kitty )

I need to take some pictures of her myself, rather than just the Humane Society's photo. But isn't she cute? Yes, she is. Don't try and pretend otherwise.

So happy with my kitty, la la la.

In other news, I've signed up for remixthedrabble and you should too. It's much less terror inducing that regular remix (or so I say), and you only have have written five stories of 100 words or more in a single fandom. Plus, you can choose to only write a remix or only offer your fics to be remixed. Or you can do both. So many options! Right now I'm the only person signed up for both Revolutionary Girl Utena and Count Cain/Godchild. This is a travesty. I know that I have Utena and Cain writers on my flist. Sign up and then I won't be lonely. And it will make things easier on the mods because they'll have more people to match up. Sign ups end today. (Yes, I know I should have posted this sooner. Procrastinator, remember?)

Title: Object Lesson
Fandom: Revolutionary Girl Utena
Pairings: Akio/Kozue, One-sided Kozue/Miki
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~1050
Warnings: Incest, explicit sex (not incestuous), Kozue being Kozue, Spoilers for episode 26
A/N: Written for the kink_bingo prompt, "exhibitionism." Many thanks to ravenbell for betaing.
Summary: Set during Miki's car ride. Akio and Kozue put on a show, and Kozue imparts a few life lessons.

( Kozue's heart raced and a jolt of panic went through her as Akio leapt over the windshield... )

I think I've tidied things up regarding my BookMooch dilemma. Now I can worry about other things.

Not happy with my writing these days. I have two stories that I have yet to type up. Partly because I hate typing, but partly because I'm so dissatisfied. I know what they're supposed to be, so why isn't that what they are? Because I suck, that's why. Ha!

To completely change topics (I have a short attention span), I've been thinking of creating a gen drabble community. Every other type of fic has one! slashthedrabble, femslash100, drabble_a_trois, and of_the_moon100. But no gen. Would their be any interest in a gen drabble community? drabble_a_trois and of_the_moon100 don't get much traffic, and a gen focused comm would probably be even slower.

I should be doing schoolwork. But we all know that that's not going to happen, no?

Title: Terminator: The Cain Hargreaves Chronicles
Fandom: Count Cain (Fusion with Terminator)
Pairing/Characters: Riff and Cain, or Riff/Cain. It's hard to tell with these two.
Rating: G
Word Count: 300 exactly.
Summary: The first meeting between Cain Hargreaves, future savior of humanity, and the RIFF-1000
A/N: This is for diluted_thought. She knows why.

( In which Riff is a killer robot from the future... so, yeah )

My Personality

Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	1
Openness to Experience	80
Agreeableness	44
Conscientiousness	1

You are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity, however you believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives. ( The breakdown )

Tags: mental/emotional issues, quizzes

Things that are troubling me:

I signed up for BookMooch. I thought it would be a good idea. I forgot that I cannot do anything without becoming severely stressed. First there's worry about shipping and packaging properly. That I could probably deal with. Then I had someone from the Philippines emailing to ask if I would ship a book to them. Postage to the Philippines would be over ten dollars. Money is kind of tight for me. I agonized. I would feel guilty if I turned them down, but...

The, someone else emailed me, saying that they would like the book if I decided not to send it to the Philippines. So, no matter what I do, I'll disappoint someone. So, I'm doing my classic avoidance technique and not answering either person and trying to make the situation go away from ignoring it. It's never worked before, but there's a first time for everything, right?

I really can't do anything without feeling guilty. I feel guilty over everything. I've even felt guilty for aging! And all of the irrational guilt only makes me angrier at myself.

When I feel bad, I cheer myself up either purchasing something or fandom stuff (sometimes buying fandom stuff). As I've said, money is a bit of a problem. So, meme time!

➀ comment with a character that I've written.
➁ receive three bits of headcanon about their sexuality: practices, preferences, experiences, fantasies, kinks, etc.
➂ receive information about their current love life and/or sex life if applicable and I feel like rambling at you. (signs point to yes.)
➃ receive three bits of headcanon about their life outside of sexuality and romance.

My pipes are making strange noises. The water pipes behind my washing machine glug-glug-glugging. Um, I mean to say that it sounds like there's water sloshing around. They have never done this before.

I can't think of a thing that would have caused it. I haven't done any laundry in several days, and I haven't been using water in any strange ways.

It's too late to call my mom, so I'm just going to have to freak out and worry all night.

My commentary on Count Cain continues. As usual, there will be spoilers for the entire series, up to the end of Godchild. All quotes are from the Viz version unless otherwise noted. I apologize for any typos. I can never manage to catch them all.

Volume One
Volume Two (part one)
Volume Two (part two)
Volume Three
Volume Four

( The Seal of the Red Ram, Part Two )

Volume one of Godchild coming... someday.

La la la, fic post.

Saiyuki drabbles:

Title: Consume
Pairing: Gonou/Kanan
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Written for the of_the_moon100 challenge "consume." (Yes, I am aware that I have the most unoriginal titles ever.)

( Consume )



Title: Side Story
Characters: Chin Yisou, Hakkai
Rating: PG
A/N: Written for the 100_roadtrips prompt "Exit, Stage Right"

( Side Story )


And the two ficlets written for the prompt battle over at anime_manga:

Title: Not Gonna Get Us
Fandom: Loveless
Pairing: Kouya/Yamato
Rating: PG-13

( Kouya stared back at the remains of the mangled cell phone... )



Title: Soaring
Fandom: Bleach
Pairing: Orihime/Rukia
Rating: G
A/N: Double drabble.

( Orihime has always dreamt of flying... )

What am I doing right at this moment? I'm multitasking. I'm drinking a strawberry margarita and eating sour gummy gummy worms. (It's an interesting combination.) But that's not all! I'm also goofing off on the internet, while rereading Saiyuki. And I just got back from the bookstore. I had a coupon, you see. Those are words that doom me every time. Those and, "It was a deal." I bought Summon's Christian Miscellany: An Amusingly Informative Collection of Unexpected Facts, Curiosities, and Trvia, The Vagina Monologues (it's rather shocking that I didn't already own this), and The Hebrew Goddess, which, as you might guess, is about goddess worship in Judaism. But these are not the best purchases. No, the best purchase is Lesbian Sex. I bought it for, uh, research purposes. You see, every time I write femslash, it winds up as the same old "fingers and/or tongue in one partner, then the other." Boring, yeah? Stupidly, I used to have another book with the same title, but I sold it. (Sometimes I sell my books, mostly in an effort to make room and money for new books. I usually regret it because I'll want to read the books I got rid of.) On the other hand, that book had simple black and white drawings. This new book has color photos. Color. Photos.

The names of the positions themselves are priceless. "Backdoor Imperialism," "Opening Pandora's Box," "Sappho's Smile," "The Bush Agenda," "Riveting Rosie," "Anaïs and June," "Tipping the Velvet." I could go on. However, I'm not sure that I'll be able to interestingly or accurately describe these positions in my stories. If this makes you think that that fact makes the book a wasted purchase, I will remind you of the COLOR PHOTOS.

But it's for research purposes. Really.

I also bought some CDs. Melissa Etheridge's The Awakening, Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits, and Tori Amos' Jackie's Strength single. Yeah, money burns a hole in my pocket.