Embryo of Philosophy

Yesterday was such a good day. I went clothes shopping with my mom, which I normally really hate, but we found what we were looking for quickly. Then we watched movies, I lent her some books and gave her her birthday present early.

So it figures that today would be a bastion of misery and stress.

I am a fuck up. I am the biggest fuck up in the history of everything.

I have a presentation tomorrow. Not only did I forget about the presentation, I forgot to meet with my partner. So, she showed up at the library. I didn't.

I am such a piece of shit. This is why I hate group projects. I'm a relentless fuck up, but I'd rather not take other people down with me. I called her, and we worked it out, so it will be okay. But still, that fact that I messed up like that in the first place is unforgivable.

So, I didn't get my outline to the professor on time. No idea what that will do to my grade. It won't be pretty, that's for sure.

My life is a mess. A chaotic, ridiculous mess. And it's completely my fault. I cause almost all of my own problems by being an irresponsible, lazy, under-achieving, disorganized, screw up.

Oh, and the violent images that won't leave my head aren't helping. It's been a long time since I've hurt myself, but the urge is still my natural reaction to stress, especially the self-loathing kind. Trying to get through the day while unbidden images of stabbing yourself in the arm, driving a pen through your skull, and ripping out your own throat flash in your mind? Not fun.

I am one sick cookie.

My Personality

Neuroticism	99
Extraversion	1
Openness to Experience	80
Agreeableness	44
Conscientiousness	1

You are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity, however you believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You take your time when making decisions and will deliberate on all the possible consequences and alternatives. ( The breakdown )

Tags: mental/emotional issues, quizzes

I am on the verge of losing my mind. The slightest thing sends me sobbing uncontrollably, I'm nigh constantly nauseous from stress, I keep hyperventilating. It's not pretty.

My grades are just a not pretty. I only have one class that I'm doing truly atrociously in, Spanish; but my grades are slipping all around.

It's hard for me to describe just how insane school makes me. I think I'm just worn down by years of stress and misery every damn semester.

I'm also pissed off because the anti-choice group that goes around colleges bringing huge billboards of bloody fetuses is at CU. I really loathe these people. Not only are they disgustingly manipulative (LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR DARLING LOVELY INNOCENT BABEEEE), they're outright liars. No, morons/assholes , abortion and breast cancer are in no way related. Then again, they wouldn't know a scientific fact if it bashed them over the head. These people make me want to go out, get pregnant, get an abortion, then send them a graphic description of it, telling them that they inspired me to do it. Of course, I wouldn't actually do this. Think of the time and expense!

Another thing I'd like to do is go up to one them and say that we don't yet live in country where women understand that they are dirty, dirty sluts who shouldn't dare do things like make decisions, but I'm glad to see that they're working on it. I also won't do this, as the resulting confrontation would be both futile and annoying.

These people aren't pro-life. If they were pro-life they would be equally against the death penalty, war, putting animals to sleep when they're old and sick, and the use of pesticides. (They claim that the "right to life" begins at conception. Why doesn't a grasshopper deserve life as much as an newly fertilized egg? The grasshopper has higher cognitive functions.)

So, yes, dealing with them all week hasn't made my mood any better.

I don't think that this is connected to the tragic loss of my "I asked God, and she's pro-choice" button, but it's an annoying coincidence.

But, I don't want you to think that my life is one hundred percent misery. There is some pretty amazing news. On May 19th, I'm getting breast reduction surgery. The doctor also seems much more understanding of what I want than last time I met with her. I printed out some pictures from the Title Nine website to give her an idea of what I'm hoping for. She looked at the picture that I like best and noted that the woman had a smaller frame than I do, and that on me that breast size would look very masculine. I told her that I was just fine with that. My mom chimed in, asking the if the doctor was familiar with "butch" and that that was the look that we were going for. When I assured the doctor that there was no such thing as too small, she wrote it down. So, I'm hoping that things will go well. Dude, it's happening in a month.

I'm hungry, so I'm going to see if I can work up the emotional energy to cook (from a box) and then eat.

Today in Abnormal Psych, we went over Gender Identity Disorder. It went better than I was anticipating. (The section of the book on GID is horrid. The case study is a man who thinks he's a woman, but actually turns out to be just only confused, and he simply needed the therapist to talk some sense into him! And very little attention payed to the fact that that's not normally how it goes, damn it.) The teacher had some pronoun issues, but it was clear that he knew what pronouns he was supposed to be using, he just kept slipping up. And he'd correct himself. As unofficial transgender ambassador to the cisgender world, I filled in blanks in his knowledge, and he was grateful for it. (I was worried that he'd see me as a stuck up know-it-all. Which, okay, I am, but that's beside the point.) And none of the students said anything stupid or offensive! I was pleasantly surprised.

I am under massive stress, but I'm dealing quite well. I'm firmly convinced that the world is a horrible, evil place, but it's a relaxed, matter-of-fact sort of opinion. And I think it should largely dissipate once I a) get more of my mood stabilizers and b) am finished with finals.

Stupid NextRX. All I want to do is order more drugs. Why are you making it so difficult?

Just for the hell of it, some articles. First, something cheerful.

( Obama critized for using complete sentences )

Now, not so silly.

( Red Sex, Blue Sex. Why do so many evangelical teen-agers become pregnant? )

In the spirit of the discussion in psych class:

( Atlanta's Intersex Police Officer Seeks Awareness )

So, I'm sick. Not really sick, but sick enough for the whole experience to be decidedly unpleasant. I was blowing my nose all through anime club on Friday, which must have annoyed the fuck out of everyone else, but there wasn't much I could do. No way I was going to miss anime club due to some dinky cold. If I can go to school (which I did) and to work (which I'm going to today) then there's no way that I'm not going to anime club.

I'm drinking loads of echinacea tea, which is supposed to bolster my immune system. Even if it doesn't work, it at least guarantees that I'm staying hydrated.

I've been thinking about books. Mainly, my tendency to beat myself up if I don't think that I'm reading fast enough, and the pressure I put on myself to read every book to the end and not allow myself to start a new book until I'm finished with the previous one. The whole thing is, well, kind of stupid. I feel like I have to live up to other people's expectations... except they're expectations that other people don't have. The only putting pressure on me is me. And why? What does it matter if I read when and what I want to read? Other people probably don't even notice what I'm reading from day to day, and if they do, I doubt they care how long it takes me to finish it.

So, I'm not reading Constantine's Sword right now, because I wasn't enjoying it. I may pick it up again later, or I may not. So there.

I read We Have Always Lived in the Castle last night, because I wanted to. It's a freaking brilliant book, by the way. I recommend it.

Wow, for once I may actually be taking step in the right direction, emotionally. How often do I manage that? (Answer: Not very often.)

For almost a month, I was reading The Count of Monte Cristo, and a few days ago, I finally finished. At first I was making good progress--averaging about one hundred pages a day, which is what I expect of myself in normal reading conditions (i.e. not horrible busy with other stuff). But there were a few days where I wasn't able to read at all. I was so discouraged and ashamed that I went almost a week without reading out all, and then a while after that I could only read a few pages a day. But I did finish it, and I quite liked it. I'm rewatching Gankutsuou, and it's fun to compare the two.

I'm now reading Constantine's Sword: The Church and the Jews. The subject is really interesting, but it's slow going due to the way the book is written. The prose is more florid than seems strictly necessary, and sometimes I'm left going, "Wait...I don't think that sentence had a subject."

Changing the subject, I'm currently taking an abnormal psychology class. It's really interesting, but all the talk of different disorders leaves me feeling really anxious. Plus, according to what I've learned, it turns out that I don't actually have social anxiety disorder. Why? Because I'm not terrified of public speaking. Apparently, hyperventilating whenever a stranger brushes up against me and freaking out when I'm on a bus with half a dozen people on it (Too many people! Too many people!) doesn't social anxiety make.

Why does it matter, you may ask. After all, I don't need a diagnosis to get pills or something--I wasn't going to take medication for it anyway. Why, then, does it matter so much that I have an officially recognized disorder? Well, a few reasons. First, it proves that I have a valid reason for the way a I think, act, and feel. "I'm not a freak, I just have social anxiety." That sort of thing. Second, having a label lets you know that other people are having experience. It makes me feel less alone. But the biggest reason? It makes me feel validated. Not just in that it's okay to feel the way I do, just...validated as a human being. It would be difficult for me to overemphasize my intense and constant need for validation. I need people to confirm that I'm, if not okay, then at least minimally acceptable. I need other people to reassure me that I'm allowed to feel what I feel. I can't handle rejection. I live in nigh constant fear of rejection. What do I count as rejection? Well, on my way out of class today, I opened the door to the stairway. On the other side, a young woman was doing the same thing. She jerked open the door rather sharply and quickly. I took this to mean that she didn't like me. She was angry at me. Now, logically, I'm not sure that she even registered my presence. Logically, I know that chances are good that she didn't have an opinion on me one way or another. But that doesn't stop the feeling. (Nonetheless, the fact that I can think about the situation logically is a good sign.)

This fear of rejection is what keeps me from friending anyone on lj. Now, hold on, I hear you saying, many people specify that they don't think of their friends list as a "friends" list, and just treat it as journals that they happen to read everyday. Many people make a point of saying that whether or not they friend someone back has nothing to do with whether or not they like the person. To this, I reply: stairwell, door, person opening said door. I can take anything as rejection.

It's a little sad, because it means that I can't initiate friendships either in non-internet life or online. I just have to wait for someone to notice me. This is not exactly conducive to friendship. Even when I actually want social relationships, I'm screwed. Not fair.

Eh, well, I'm feeling better than I did when I started writing this. Which I suppose is why it's a good idea to get it all out.

Bleh. I'm not feeling too hot emotionally. I have one story due soon for spring kink and one that's, uh, overdue, but I simply can't work up the energy to write.

This week was the one year anniversary of my dad's death, so my sadness is rather understandable. I started crying at work the other day, but luckily no one noticed.

I've been feeling anxious about money lately. Not just my own spending money, but the family finances. I've had dental work lately and just had to refill my birth control and mood stabilizer prescriptions. God damn it, health care sucks so bad in this country. Why is everything so expensive?

Blah.

Because skinship is doing it, and it looks fun, I have dragon eggs. Click on them!




Ugh, I was so very depressed a little while a go. It was the kind of depression that just makes you want to go to bed and never get up. I couldn't think of anything that would cheer me up. but, lacking other ideas, I did the one thing that has been known to work: I went out and spent money until I felt better. I should feel bad for spending so much money these days, but as long as it's not going to make me go broke, losing a little cash is worth it if it banishes thoughts of stabbing myself. I still feel depressed, but it's not crippling anymore

Bad news: I seem to have lost my fanfic notebook permanently. This seriously depresses me. Like whoa.

Good news: I've got an interview at Blockbuster for a summer job. Wish me luck.

I finally turned in my super late religious studies paper. Only over a week late! I have another one due tomorrow. If you think that I've started, then you haven't been paying attention.

I could ponder why I'm like this, but I haven't found the answer yet, so I don't see why today should be any different.

The thing I'm pretty sure I should feel guilty about? When other people on my friends list talk about having similar problems, I think "Oh, thank god it's not just me." I shouldn't feel good that people I like are having difficulties, but knowing that intelligent people whom (...or is it who?) I like and respect struggle with the same things that I do (I first typed that as "due"-- Freudian slip) makes me feel less worthless. And I could do with feeling a little less worthless.

I'll end this here. I have important procrastinating to do.

I appear to be going temporarily mad. This does not bode well for my Feminist Theories grade. Paper due today! I cannot get myself to work on it! My head is all full of crazy!

We'll see what happens.