Embryo of Philosophy

So, I had consultation for breast reduction surgery today. Good news: I like the surgeon. Bad news: It's highly unlikely (nigh impossible) that insurance will cover it. My breasts aren't big enough for insurance to deem it "medically necessary." Which is annoying, because, as the surgeon explained, it's not about size, it's about how proportional your breasts are to your frame. I have narrow shoulders and a small ribcage, and my breasts are not proportional.

But, despite insurance not covering it, my mom wants to go ahead with it. She actually worked to convince me. Admittedly, I think she's hoping that if I do this, I won't want to get chest surgery (i.e. a double mastectomy) further down the line. That idea really freaks her out.

At first, the doctor and I were on very different wavelengths. She's a plastic surgeon and wants to make my boobs pretty and feminine, and I'm transgendered and want my boobs gone. What we have here is a failure to communicate.

I had decided not to bring up the transgender thing for a variety of reasons, but I did come out as a lesbian just to stop the idea that I would want to attract men. Also, my mom and I used it clumsily to kill the "you won't be able to breastfeed and there will be scarring." Of course, there are lesbians who want children and want to breastfeed them, and who care about having pretty breasts, but... well, we were doing our best to be understood while not outing me as trans. Not as easy as you might think.

Nicely enough, my mom explained in the car that she understands that I'm not a lesbian, but that she wanted to keep things simple. (As did I.)

Anyway, when I started talking about wanting "athletic breasts" the surgeon began to understand. Though, I'm not sure if she really thinks that I want to play sports or if she figured out that "athletic" was a euphemism for "I'm trans!" It was hard to be all that subtle by the end.

I'm glad to say that everyone has been very supportive. My mom's totally gung-ho, and even her husband, who's a total miser, thinks that it's a good idea.

So, I think I'm going to go through with it. It's going to be terribly expensive, but my mom will pay part. This would be such a change. I've hated my body for years. It won't be exactly what I want, but if I never again break down sobbing in the dressing room while bra shopping just because I hate myself so much, then it will worth the price.

My birthday is in a little less than a month. I'll be twenty-one. As with every birthday for the past few years, I've started feeling stagnate, like I should be more than I am at this point in my life. I should be paying my own bills, be more self-sufficient than I am. Or something.

I've been thinking about what I want to do with the next few years. My very basic plan was to take classes next summer in order to graduate with a major in women's studies and a minor in religious studies. I'll then move to Austin, get residency and apply to the university to get my masters in library science. Now I'm not really sure what I want to do.

I'd love to live in New York City. I adore New York City. Broadway, the food, the culture, Broadway. But I'll never be able to live there. It's just not economically sensible. So, you know, that's it. Move on and think of something else.

But what if I want to try living my dream? Does it make any sense to try and do what you honestly want, even if it's stupid and difficult as all hell?

Obviously, the answer is to find the middle ground. That's just common sense. I just wish I knew what the middle ground was. Living near the city? Still expensive.

I want to move out of the country. But I have no idea where I could go. Canada seems an attractive option, but the health care, one of the main reasons I want to leave the US, kind of sucks. It's affordable, but the waits are ridiculous. I like New Zealand, but immigrating there seems just about impossible if you're not an engineer, microbiologist, or an expert in sheep farming. The Nordic Countries seem appealing, but the idea of me learning a second, complicated, language is laughable. Plus, it's, like, cold and stuff.

Australia, maybe? England? What do think, littlecloud?

The best idea is to do some traveling before I make a decision, obviously. This raises a question. Should I use next summer to take classes like I planned, or should I abandon the idea of getting a minor in religious studies and use the opportunity to travel? There's also the question of money, but I think I can afford it. I'm going to try working during the school year in addition to volunteering at the library. (I desperately need library experience if I'm going to make a career out of it.)

Naturally, there's always the fear in the back (not so at the back at times) that all of this pointless. Like so many others, I'll compromise and compromise, until I'm living a boring, nondescript life in boring, nondescript place. There isn't really anything wrong with that. It's just not what I want.

I think what it all comes down to in the end is that at twenty-one, I should have made more of myself by now.

First off, some really awesome news: The Breast Cancer Site got the 8 million clicks it needed to earn to extra 10,000 dollars! Fantastic! And we helped, people.

However, that doesn't mean that you should stop clicking. All of these sites are an incredibly easy way to do good.

Save The World - One Click At A Time!

On each of these websites, you can click a button to support the cause -- each click creates funding, and costs you nothing! Bookmark these sites, and click once a day!





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Bidding at livelongnmarry has started, and there's some incredible stuff by equally incredible people. Tamora Pierce is offering stuff! Tamora fucking Pierce! A signed book, never-for-sale pins, and a chapter from her yet to be published new novel. There's also Pamela Dean, offering signed first edition copies of her novel, Tam Lin. I have never read it, but apparently it's really great. There's loads of gorgeous handmade jewelry and more offers to write fanfic than you can shake a stick at.

Also, I'm getting multiple bids on my bourbon balls. Yay!

I also hit on the ingenious idea to contact Andrea Gibson and Ellen Orleans about providing signed books. Andrea is a local spoken word artist who's a four time Denver Slam Champion, came in fourth at the National Individual Poetry Finals, third at the Individual Word Poetry Slam, and won the Women of the World Poetry Slam. She is also among the most incredibly awesome people that I know. A small selection of her poetry can be found on her website here

Ellen Orleans is humour writer here in Boulder. She's won the Lambada Literary Award for her book The Butches of Madison County, and she's also the author of The Inflatable Butch, Who Cares If It's a Choice (one of the funniest books that I have ever read), Can't Keep a Straight Face, and Still Can't Keep a Straight Face.

So far, Andrea has emailed me back, and I'm just waiting to see her opinion on the starting price.

I've finally got all my ingredients for the bourbon balls. It's turning out to be more expensive than I figured, but I don't care. The price had me wavering on whether to make a practice batch or not, but I decided that I should. I want to make sure that these turn out well.

And now for something completely different: a look into my life at the moment.

A few days ago, I found a book in my bike pannier. It was not my book. It's called The Seat of the Soul, and it appears to be a new age self help sort of book. It's not a cheap pamphlet type of book. It has a price tag for $12.00. I have no idea why someone would leave this book in my pannier. Did they just want to get rid of it? Were they trying to do an random good deed, and help a random person uncover the mystery of their soul? Were they simply looking for a place to put their book down, thought that my pannier would be a good place, and then forgot? The world may never know.

Work is going all right. They've increased my hours, which means more money, but less free time.

I rented two movies the other day. One was Blackbeard's Ghost, a cute family film that I remember really liking years ago. The other is called Walk All Over Me. The cover features two sexy women in fetish gear, and the tagline is "Love. Latex. Larceny." My complex and twisted psyche: welcome to it.