Embryo of Philosophy

Yesterday was such a good day. I went clothes shopping with my mom, which I normally really hate, but we found what we were looking for quickly. Then we watched movies, I lent her some books and gave her her birthday present early.

So it figures that today would be a bastion of misery and stress.

I am a fuck up. I am the biggest fuck up in the history of everything.

I have a presentation tomorrow. Not only did I forget about the presentation, I forgot to meet with my partner. So, she showed up at the library. I didn't.

I am such a piece of shit. This is why I hate group projects. I'm a relentless fuck up, but I'd rather not take other people down with me. I called her, and we worked it out, so it will be okay. But still, that fact that I messed up like that in the first place is unforgivable.

So, I didn't get my outline to the professor on time. No idea what that will do to my grade. It won't be pretty, that's for sure.

My life is a mess. A chaotic, ridiculous mess. And it's completely my fault. I cause almost all of my own problems by being an irresponsible, lazy, under-achieving, disorganized, screw up.

Oh, and the violent images that won't leave my head aren't helping. It's been a long time since I've hurt myself, but the urge is still my natural reaction to stress, especially the self-loathing kind. Trying to get through the day while unbidden images of stabbing yourself in the arm, driving a pen through your skull, and ripping out your own throat flash in your mind? Not fun.

I am one sick cookie.

I think I've tidied things up regarding my BookMooch dilemma. Now I can worry about other things.

Not happy with my writing these days. I have two stories that I have yet to type up. Partly because I hate typing, but partly because I'm so dissatisfied. I know what they're supposed to be, so why isn't that what they are? Because I suck, that's why. Ha!

To completely change topics (I have a short attention span), I've been thinking of creating a gen drabble community. Every other type of fic has one! slashthedrabble, femslash100, drabble_a_trois, and of_the_moon100. But no gen. Would their be any interest in a gen drabble community? drabble_a_trois and of_the_moon100 don't get much traffic, and a gen focused comm would probably be even slower.

I should be doing schoolwork. But we all know that that's not going to happen, no?

Things that are troubling me:

I signed up for BookMooch. I thought it would be a good idea. I forgot that I cannot do anything without becoming severely stressed. First there's worry about shipping and packaging properly. That I could probably deal with. Then I had someone from the Philippines emailing to ask if I would ship a book to them. Postage to the Philippines would be over ten dollars. Money is kind of tight for me. I agonized. I would feel guilty if I turned them down, but...

The, someone else emailed me, saying that they would like the book if I decided not to send it to the Philippines. So, no matter what I do, I'll disappoint someone. So, I'm doing my classic avoidance technique and not answering either person and trying to make the situation go away from ignoring it. It's never worked before, but there's a first time for everything, right?

I really can't do anything without feeling guilty. I feel guilty over everything. I've even felt guilty for aging! And all of the irrational guilt only makes me angrier at myself.

When I feel bad, I cheer myself up either purchasing something or fandom stuff (sometimes buying fandom stuff). As I've said, money is a bit of a problem. So, meme time!

➀ comment with a character that I've written.
➁ receive three bits of headcanon about their sexuality: practices, preferences, experiences, fantasies, kinks, etc.
➂ receive information about their current love life and/or sex life if applicable and I feel like rambling at you. (signs point to yes.)
➃ receive three bits of headcanon about their life outside of sexuality and romance.

So, as you know, I signed up for remixthedrabble . I was feeling just a little nervous, until a horrible, worst case scenario occurred to me. I can't tell you what it is, it would ruin the anonymity. But I hoped that it would not happen.

You know those stories with twisted genies? Where you make a wish, and it comes true, but in an exact, literal way that is somehow just as bad? Well, that's what happened to me. THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT, UNIVERSE!

The only logical thing to do is to email the mods and explain that I have come down with a rare type of lymph node cancer, and I have decided to spend my few remaining years in Guatemala without internet access.

*SOB* I am so doomed. I will be a horrible disappointment and then ritual suicide will be the only answer.

I think that have reached the end of my Christianity and Democracy paper, at a little over ten pages. Except, it's supposed to be fifteen. I am so very fucked. And I've hardly started my lesbian lit paper. Did I mention that both of these are due today?

I need better coping skills. And time management skills.

For almost a month, I was reading The Count of Monte Cristo, and a few days ago, I finally finished. At first I was making good progress--averaging about one hundred pages a day, which is what I expect of myself in normal reading conditions (i.e. not horrible busy with other stuff). But there were a few days where I wasn't able to read at all. I was so discouraged and ashamed that I went almost a week without reading out all, and then a while after that I could only read a few pages a day. But I did finish it, and I quite liked it. I'm rewatching Gankutsuou, and it's fun to compare the two.

I'm now reading Constantine's Sword: The Church and the Jews. The subject is really interesting, but it's slow going due to the way the book is written. The prose is more florid than seems strictly necessary, and sometimes I'm left going, "Wait...I don't think that sentence had a subject."

Changing the subject, I'm currently taking an abnormal psychology class. It's really interesting, but all the talk of different disorders leaves me feeling really anxious. Plus, according to what I've learned, it turns out that I don't actually have social anxiety disorder. Why? Because I'm not terrified of public speaking. Apparently, hyperventilating whenever a stranger brushes up against me and freaking out when I'm on a bus with half a dozen people on it (Too many people! Too many people!) doesn't social anxiety make.

Why does it matter, you may ask. After all, I don't need a diagnosis to get pills or something--I wasn't going to take medication for it anyway. Why, then, does it matter so much that I have an officially recognized disorder? Well, a few reasons. First, it proves that I have a valid reason for the way a I think, act, and feel. "I'm not a freak, I just have social anxiety." That sort of thing. Second, having a label lets you know that other people are having experience. It makes me feel less alone. But the biggest reason? It makes me feel validated. Not just in that it's okay to feel the way I do, just...validated as a human being. It would be difficult for me to overemphasize my intense and constant need for validation. I need people to confirm that I'm, if not okay, then at least minimally acceptable. I need other people to reassure me that I'm allowed to feel what I feel. I can't handle rejection. I live in nigh constant fear of rejection. What do I count as rejection? Well, on my way out of class today, I opened the door to the stairway. On the other side, a young woman was doing the same thing. She jerked open the door rather sharply and quickly. I took this to mean that she didn't like me. She was angry at me. Now, logically, I'm not sure that she even registered my presence. Logically, I know that chances are good that she didn't have an opinion on me one way or another. But that doesn't stop the feeling. (Nonetheless, the fact that I can think about the situation logically is a good sign.)

This fear of rejection is what keeps me from friending anyone on lj. Now, hold on, I hear you saying, many people specify that they don't think of their friends list as a "friends" list, and just treat it as journals that they happen to read everyday. Many people make a point of saying that whether or not they friend someone back has nothing to do with whether or not they like the person. To this, I reply: stairwell, door, person opening said door. I can take anything as rejection.

It's a little sad, because it means that I can't initiate friendships either in non-internet life or online. I just have to wait for someone to notice me. This is not exactly conducive to friendship. Even when I actually want social relationships, I'm screwed. Not fair.

Eh, well, I'm feeling better than I did when I started writing this. Which I suppose is why it's a good idea to get it all out.

BLARGH. I feel hot, nauseas, and I have a headache. Damn heat! I should really buy a fan.

Finally finished the first Phoenix Wright game (and OMG so awesome!). I'm back to playing Justice for All, which I was in the middle of when I got the first game. I'm on case four and

Bleh. I'm not feeling too hot emotionally. I have one story due soon for spring kink and one that's, uh, overdue, but I simply can't work up the energy to write.

This week was the one year anniversary of my dad's death, so my sadness is rather understandable. I started crying at work the other day, but luckily no one noticed.

I've been feeling anxious about money lately. Not just my own spending money, but the family finances. I've had dental work lately and just had to refill my birth control and mood stabilizer prescriptions. God damn it, health care sucks so bad in this country. Why is everything so expensive?

Blah.

Arhg, argh, argh. Trying to play Phoenix Wright. On the last case. Trying to find invisible fingerprint to use fingerprint dust on. Except it's not there. I have looked at three different walkthroughs to determine it's exact location, and it just doesn't show up for me. Is my game defective? My DS? I have no idea.

I just want to finish the game! I can't do that until I find this fucking fingerprint that isn't there.

Plus my screen is looking really fucked up. If I had bought the damn thing new, I could try and return it, but I got it off ebay. I'm really getting tired of being burned on ebay.

I realize that this is minuscule problem, but the knowledge that I might have sent $115 down the drain is a tad upsetting. If anyone has any recommendations or knows what I'm doing wrong, please share.

I didn't go to OASOS today. I went to the youth board meeting, but didn't stay for group. The topic du jour was STDs. There's an STD presentation at least twice a year, and I've been attending for five years. I've got the t-shirt.

Going to OASOS makes me feel depressed. How long has that been happening? I feel like I'm ready to move on, but I'm stuck in such a rut that I won't be leaving until they kick me out at 21.

When I was younger, OASOS was vitally important to me. I even turned down a job at women's bookstore that was offered to me because I would have had to work Wednesdays. Now it's just something I do because I do. All too often I don't actually stay to attend the group.

I don't relate to any of the youth there. Maybe it's just an age thing. It's a young group these days, a lot of middle schoolers. There were more people in their late teens and twenties when I first started going, which worked well for me. I've long been most comfortable with people a few years older than me.

We're changing the time of the youth board meetings. For as long as I've been going, they've been held an hour before group. But no one's coming; they can't be bothered to show up, apparently. So we're going to try holding the meetings at 6:30, half an hour into the introduction part of group. I'm opposed to this, but was outvoted. I don't like splitting the group up, for one thing, but frankly, I'm annoyed that we're catering to people who can't be bothered to make minimal effort. If they can't even work up the energy to come an hour early, what does that say about their commitment all around?

I do understand that there are some people who just can't make it, but while that's genuinely unfortunate, it's just life. A few years ago there was a guy who would have been perfect for youth board, but his job kept him from attending. Did that suck? Hell yeah, especially for me, since I was crushing on him. (Self absorbed? Moi?) But that was how it worked. There are groups I can't attend because I don't drive. It makes me sad, but I don't ask that the groups change their time.

Maybe I'm wrong about this. I was outvoted, after all. But it bothers me.

Bad news: I feel like shit. I'm emotionally and physically drained, and I still have to write papers and take two finals. I'm not sure I can make it without just dropping dead of exhaustion.

Good news: I got the job at Blockbuster! It should pay me good money, and cataloging and managing a video collection should look better on a resume than grocery store work when looking for a library job.

Also going to see Sweeney Todd with tekararogue tonight. Yay free movie at CU! I'm going to try and not compare it with the stage version too much. Johnny Depp's singing voice sounded like crap in the trailers. I am prepared for this. Helena Bonham Carter will be no Angela Lansbury. (I have the original Broadway cast recording.) I am also prepared for this.

I'm also going to see the play at the Denver Center for the Performing Arts on June 21! Yay!

Bad news: I seem to have lost my fanfic notebook permanently. This seriously depresses me. Like whoa.

Good news: I've got an interview at Blockbuster for a summer job. Wish me luck.

I finally turned in my super late religious studies paper. Only over a week late! I have another one due tomorrow. If you think that I've started, then you haven't been paying attention.

I could ponder why I'm like this, but I haven't found the answer yet, so I don't see why today should be any different.

The thing I'm pretty sure I should feel guilty about? When other people on my friends list talk about having similar problems, I think "Oh, thank god it's not just me." I shouldn't feel good that people I like are having difficulties, but knowing that intelligent people whom (...or is it who?) I like and respect struggle with the same things that I do (I first typed that as "due"-- Freudian slip) makes me feel less worthless. And I could do with feeling a little less worthless.

I'll end this here. I have important procrastinating to do.